“Bigfoot And Santa Get Trashed In Vegas” by Raven Blackbird

Having decided to embark upon this noble course of discovering the secret treasures nestled amongst the hordes of self-published fantasy and sci-fi books in the Kindle store, I had a general idea of what to expect. The typical clichés we’ve come to expect of your run-of-the-mill elves and dwarves; the humble blacksmith’s son/suburban teenager destined for far greater things; and even the odd vampire or two.

Scrolling through the most recently published books in the Kindle store, I soon came across half-a-dozen titles which conformed to my expectations. I needed to be selective though. The story I chose would have to serve as a measure for what is to come from Creepy or Cool? This would let readers know what to expect in the future. I needed to find a title that would ensnare your average blog-surfer, make him ask, “What is that book all about?”

Then my eyes alighted upon one title and I knew that I had found what I was looking for: Bigfoot And Santa Get Trashed In Vegas.

Could this be the kind of bizarre and brilliant oddity for which this blog was created for? Below is the synopsis found on the Amazon page:

When the Easter Bunny finally decides to settle down with a Playboy bunny, his best buds Bigfoot, Santa Claus, and the Tooth Fairy decide to throw him a bachelor party in Vegas. They get a swank hotel suite on the strip and proceed to party like there’s no tomorrow. Just before they’re about to go hit the clubs and casinos, the four friends decide to try the new cocktail the Tooth Fairy has just concocted. And that’s the last thing Bigfoot and Santa remember before they wake up in their demolished hotel room the next morning, covered in their own vomit.

What do you think?

At the time it sounded horrendously brilliant, like car-crash literature. You shouldn’t be reading it, you know it’s wrong, but you just can’t bring yourself to look away. I immediately purchased it.

Penned by Raven Blackbird*, the author of such classics as “Big Bad Booty Bitch Whoops Some Ass (The World’s First Pornstar Superhero)” and “I Banged A Vampire And He Didn’t Sparkle Like The Bitches In Twilight”, he even mentions in the disclaimer that: “No one is going to write a review about this shit.” Au contraire!

Orgazmo might disagree with you over who the whole World’s First Pornstar Superhero is, Mr. Blackbird...

Orgazmo might disagree with you over who the whole World’s First Pornstar Superhero is, Mr. Blackbird…

You’d imagine that a story involving Bigfoot, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy–The Fairytale Gang–going on a hedonistic and wild road trip to be fairly unique. How couldn’t it? Unfortunately though, a lot of the time it just feels like a poor derivative of the Hangover films.

  • A gang of best friends wake up in a trashed Vegas hotel room with no memory of the night before? Check
  • Their soon-to-be-married friend has gone missing and a villainous mobster demands a large cash payment for his return? Check
  • Idiot friend uses his card-counting skills to win the money they need? Check
  • The sensible and uptight friends gets hitched to a stripper? Check

There should be no way that these characters, who are soon joined by a fat chick-obsessed Bill Clinton, should be able to have an adventure that resembles pretty much anything else out there. Sadly, despite the utterly bizarre premise, that is pretty much the extent of imagination used.

The vast majority of the novel is taken up by Bigfoot, a bleeding heart liberal, and Santa, a racist and homophobic conservative, bickering about politics with one another (I smell a sitcom!), every main character receiving repeated and extended physical beatings, penis references, gay “jokes” and copious amounts of drugs and alcohol being consumed. Less is more, a pinch of these illicit and perverse activities placed here and there could elicit a wry chuckle but the story is simply oversaturated with them.

That’s not to say the book doesn’t have its moments. Some of the banter between Santa and Bigfoot is amusing at times, even if their crude political caricatures can get grating at points, as are Santa’s reflections on his marriage to Mrs. Claus, and the Tooth Fairy’s attempt to break into a pawn store had me laughing out loud.

As for the quality of writing, it’s certainly not the worst thing I’ve read. (There are quite a lot of parentheses) Blackbird keeps the action ticking along at least, even if identical phrases and descriptions pop up time and time again, even in the same paragraph. (The most parentheses I’ve ever seen in a book) While Santa does experience some measure of personal growth towards the end, that’s about it; what do you expect though? (Seriously, it’s like the parentheses never end) In fairness, you get to know each of the characters well, even if they may not be written in that elegant of a manner:

“The Tooth Fairy is a short, fat, vulgar old man who bears an uncanny resemblance to Danny DeVito… The Tooth Fairy suddenly pulls out a crack pipe and, speaking in his raspy, Danny DeVito-esque voice…”

You can almost imagine him in the room with you...

You can almost imagine him in the room with you…

At just $0.99 and clocking in at just over 100 pages, it’s a modest commitment that you can finish within a couple of hours. Unfortunately though, the book cannot live up to the lofty potential of its utterly ludicrous premise. A strange re-hashing of ideas which have already been done better, the characters deserve a far more outlandish adventure to sink their teeth (and crack pipes) into.

Creepy or Cool? scale

*His novels are attributed to JK Jackson on Goodreads so I think it’s safe to say that Raven Blackbird is a pen name. Either that or he’s a Native American pornstar/ornithologist.

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